Emo Phillips Quotes

Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said 'Stop! don't do it!' 'Why shouldn't I?' he said. I said, 'Well, there's so much to live for!' He said, 'Like what?' I said, 'Well...are you religious or atheist?' He said, 'Religious.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?' He said, 'Christian.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?' He said, 'Protestant.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?' He said, 'Baptist!' I said, 'Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist church of god or Baptist church of the lord?' He said, 'Baptist church of god!' I said, 'Me too! Are you original Baptist church of god, or are you reformed Baptist church of god?' He said, 'Reformed Baptist church of god!' I said, 'Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?' He said, 'Reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!' I said, 'Die, heretic scum,' and pushed him off.

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in His wisdom, didn’t work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

To a woman who asked if she had seen him on television: I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.

Some mornings it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"