Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Sunday's paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax. 'Oh, by the way, here's a thousand pages of information you had no idea about.' How can they tell you everything they know about every single day of the week and then have this much left over on Sunday when nothing's going on?

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.

I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication... Note easy. There's an entire wall of products you need. You stand there going, Well, this one is quick acting but this is long lasting... Which is more important, the present or the future?

I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, Excuse me, I'm not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away.

Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.

Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going "Quit it".

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.