Steven Wright, American Humorist Quotes

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So, what did you think?

I have an existential map; it has "you are here" written all over it.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their familiescame and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, So. What did you think?.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

My secret to staying young: Having no sense of time.