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The preacher was growing concerned about sparse attendance, so he published this item in the church bulletin: This . . . is . . . the . . . way . . . the . . . church . . . sometimes . . . looks . . . to . . . the . . . preacher . . . when . . . he . . . goes . . . into . . . the . . . pulpit. Itwouldlooklikethisifeverybodybroughtsomebodyelsetochurch.

My face in the mirror Isn't wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely, And so does my lawn. I think I might never Put my glasses back on.

My check engine light came on the other day. I popped the hood, and looked, the engine is STILL there! Silly light . . .

The people who holler All power to the people! want power to be handed to the people who holler All power to the people!.

My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.

The person who says he trusts no one should include himself.

My aim is that when my hands will work no longer, that the works of my hands will still continue to keep on working.

The person who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.

Murphy's Law isn't recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.

The Pastor said, Today I've prepared a $10 sermon on fire and brimstone that will take me about an hour and half to deliver, and I've prepared a $50 sermon on the evils of sin that will take about 45 minutes to give, and I've got a 10 minute $100 sermon on love and generosity. We'll take the collection at this time to see which one y'all vote for..

Mrs. Squiffy decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.But you are not wearing any of those things. I know, said Mrs. Squiffy. It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry..