Funny Quotes

• "I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
  By: ^Woody Allen
  Funny Quotes
• "A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'."
  By: ^Woody Allen
  Funny Quotes
• "If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips."
  By: ^Woody Allen
  Funny Quotes
• "Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love ."
  By: ^Woody Allen
  Funny Quotes
• "My brain, that's my second favourite organ."
  By: ^Woody Allen
  Funny Quotes
• "Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."
  By: ^Woody Allen
  Funny Quotes
• "I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher. They are going to make a board game out of it."
  By: ^Woody Allen
  Funny Quotes
• "My wife and I pondered for a while whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have."
  By: ^Woody Allen
  Funny Quotes
• "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
  By: ^Woody Allen
  Funny Quotes
• "Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman."
  By: ^Woody Allen
  Funny Quotes
• "In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows."
  By: ^Woody Allen
  Funny Quotes
• "My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
  By: ^Groucho Marx
  Funny Quotes
• "I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
  By: ^Groucho Marx
  Funny Quotes
• "I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
  By: ^Groucho Marx
  Funny Quotes
• "I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
  By: ^Groucho Marx
  Funny Quotes