Funny Quotes

• "What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?"
  By: ^W.C. Fields
  Funny Quotes
• "I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast."
  By: ^W.C. Fields
  Funny Quotes
• "I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
  By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
  Funny Quotes
• "When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!"
  By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
  Funny Quotes
• "I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
  By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
  Funny Quotes
• "I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get."
  By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
  Funny Quotes
• "My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
  By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
  Funny Quotes
• "On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."
  By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
  Funny Quotes
• "When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could....but he pulled through."
  By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
  Funny Quotes
• "My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as a friend."
  By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
  Funny Quotes
• "When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."
  By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
  Funny Quotes
• "And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with."
  By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
  Funny Quotes
• "If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all."
  By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
  Funny Quotes
• "A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home."
  By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
  Funny Quotes
• "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them."
  By: ^William Clayton
  Funny Quotes
• "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."
  By: ^Edward Chilton
  Funny Quotes