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If you go back in time, don’t step on anything.
If you water it and it dies, it’s a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it’s a weed.
How can you be in two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all?
Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.
People often say, “Why me?” I say, “Why not me?”
I am going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
If it weren’t for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
If there is no God then who has placed a pox on me and mocks me every day?
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a guy is lucky to get out of it alive.
If at first you don’t succeed, try try again. Then quit. No sense being a damn fool about it.
The bonds of wedlock are so heavy that it takes two to carry them -- sometimes three.