Funny Quotes

"I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
By: ^Groucho Marx
Funny Quotes
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
By: ^Groucho Marx
Funny Quotes
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
By: ^Unknown
Funny Quotes
"The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."
By: ^Unknown
Funny Quotes
"Television is called a medium. This is because it is neither rare, nor well done."
By: ^Unknown
Funny Quotes
"Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book that is admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor."
By: ^Unknown
Funny Quotes
"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates, what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates, how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates, hemlock is poison.'???????"
By: ^Socrates minutes before death
Funny Quotes
"A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. Hear that? you say. That's dynamite, baby."
By: ^Also Jack Handey
Funny Quotes
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is probably because of something you did."
By: ^Jack Handey
Funny Quotes
"Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students? A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once."
By: ^Unknown
Funny Quotes
"Her kisses left something to be desired the rest of her."
By: ^Unknown
Funny Quotes
"Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove."
By: ^Ashleigh Brilliant
Funny Quotes
"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so."
By: ^Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
Funny Quotes
"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again."
By: ^F. P. Jones
Funny Quotes
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
By: ^Oscar Wilde
Funny Quotes
"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the Four F's: 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating."
By: ^Psychology professor
Funny Quotes

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"Now what sort of man or woman or monster would stroke a centipede I have ever seen? ''And here is my good big centipede!'' If such a man exists, I say kill him without more ado. He is a traitor to the human race."
By: William S. Burroughs
Women Quotes

"Admittedly, a homosexual can be conditioned to react sexually to a woman, or to an old boot for that matter. In fact, both homo - and heterosexual experimental subjects have been conditioned to react sexually to an old boot, and you can save a lot of money that way."
By: William S. Burroughs
Women Quotes

"A woman who looks like a girl and thinks like a man is the best sort, the most enjoyable to be and the most pleasurable to have and to hold."
By: Julie Burchill
Women Quotes

"Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each."
By: Plato Greek philosopher (427 BC - 347 BC)
Child Quotes

"At great periods you have always felt, deep within you, the temptation to commit suicide. You gave yourself to it, breached your own defenses. You were a child. The idea of suicide was a protest against life; by dying, you would escape this longing for death."
By: Cesare Pavese
Child Quotes

"It was no great tragedy being Judy Garland's daughter. I had tremendously interesting childhood years - except they had little to do with being a child."
By: Liza Minnelli
Child Quotes

"A child is beset with long traditions. And his infancy is so old, so old, that the mere adding of years in the life to follow will not seem to throw it further back - it is already so far."
By: Alice Meynell
Child Quotes

"Giving a camera to Diane Arbus is like putting a live grenade in the hands of a child."
By: Norman Mailer
Child Quotes

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