Funny Quotes

• "He reminded me a little of Walt Disney's version of a mad scientist."
  By: ^Steven Spielberg
  Funny Quotes
• "If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."
  By: ^Erma Bombeck
  Funny Quotes
• "Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase."
  By: ^Erma Bombeck
  Funny Quotes
• "I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go into overload and blow up."
  By: ^Erma Bombeck
  Funny Quotes
• "Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."
  By: ^Erma Bombeck
  Funny Quotes
• "A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween."
  By: ^Erma Bombeck
  Funny Quotes
• "When humor goes, there goes civilization."
  By: ^Erma Bombeck
  Funny Quotes
• "I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage."
  By: ^Erma Bombeck
  Funny Quotes
• "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
  By: ^Erma Bombeck
  Funny Quotes
• "I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
  By: ^Les Dawson
  Funny Quotes
• "I don't have to do this for a living, I just do it for the luxuries like bread and shoes."
  By: ^Les Dawson
  Funny Quotes
• "I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.""
  By: ^Les Dawson
  Funny Quotes
• "Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up."
  By: ^Les Dawson
  Funny Quotes
• "I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. You see the trouble is he's very old fashioned. When he gives you an injection you have to bite on a bullet."
  By: ^Les Dawson
  Funny Quotes
• "I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking'"
  By: ^Les Dawson
  Funny Quotes
• "The wife's Mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea.""
  By: ^Les Dawson
  Funny Quotes