Funny Quotes

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."
By: ^Jack Handy
Funny Quotes
"You don't like jail? naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there."
By: ^Charles Bukowski
Funny Quotes
"Beer is good food."
By: ^Unknown
Funny Quotes
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?"
By: ^Unknown
Funny Quotes
"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents."
By: ^Unknown
Funny Quotes
"The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise."
By: ^ Roger Simon
Funny Quotes
"I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: I wanna know your name..."
By: ^ Mike Binder
Funny Quotes
"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, I'd like some fries. The girl at the counter said, Would you like some fries with that?"
By: ^ Jay Leno
Funny Quotes
"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."
By: ^Carol Leifer
Funny Quotes
"I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead."
By: ^ Sue Kolinsky
Funny Quotes
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking fivemiles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we doesn't know where the hell she is."
By: ^ Ellen DeGeneris
Funny Quotes
"Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
By: ^ George Carlin
Funny Quotes
"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!"
By: ^ Steve Bluestone
Funny Quotes
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
By: ^Zsa Zsa Gabor
Funny Quotes
"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished."
By: ^Zsa Zsa Gabor
Funny Quotes
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
By: ^Carl Zwanzig
Funny Quotes

Recently Added

"Now what sort of man or woman or monster would stroke a centipede I have ever seen? ''And here is my good big centipede!'' If such a man exists, I say kill him without more ado. He is a traitor to the human race."
By: William S. Burroughs
Women Quotes

"Admittedly, a homosexual can be conditioned to react sexually to a woman, or to an old boot for that matter. In fact, both homo - and heterosexual experimental subjects have been conditioned to react sexually to an old boot, and you can save a lot of money that way."
By: William S. Burroughs
Women Quotes

"A woman who looks like a girl and thinks like a man is the best sort, the most enjoyable to be and the most pleasurable to have and to hold."
By: Julie Burchill
Women Quotes

"Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each."
By: Plato Greek philosopher (427 BC - 347 BC)
Child Quotes

"At great periods you have always felt, deep within you, the temptation to commit suicide. You gave yourself to it, breached your own defenses. You were a child. The idea of suicide was a protest against life; by dying, you would escape this longing for death."
By: Cesare Pavese
Child Quotes

"It was no great tragedy being Judy Garland's daughter. I had tremendously interesting childhood years - except they had little to do with being a child."
By: Liza Minnelli
Child Quotes

"A child is beset with long traditions. And his infancy is so old, so old, that the mere adding of years in the life to follow will not seem to throw it further back - it is already so far."
By: Alice Meynell
Child Quotes

"Giving a camera to Diane Arbus is like putting a live grenade in the hands of a child."
By: Norman Mailer
Child Quotes

Funny Quotes

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