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Funny Quotes

  • "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
    By: ^Carl Zwanzig
    Funny Quotes
  • "When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute."
    By: ^Steven Wright
    Funny Quotes
  • "Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?"
    By: ^Steven Wright
    Funny Quotes
  • "I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained."
    By: ^Steven Wright
    Funny Quotes
  • "I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, No thanks -- I'm not going that far."
    By: ^Steven Wright
    Funny Quotes
  • "Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out."
    By: ^Steven Wright
    Funny Quotes
  • "It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."
    By: ^Steven Wright
    Funny Quotes
  • "I live on a one-way dead-end street."
    By: ^Steven Wright
    Funny Quotes
  • "I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious."
    By: ^Steven Wright
    Funny Quotes
  • "Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?"
    By: ^Steven Wright
    Funny Quotes
  • "When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, I want my daughter back by 8:15. I said, The middle of August? Cool!"
    By: ^Steven Wright
    Funny Quotes
  • "What a nice night for an evening."
    By: ^Steven Wright
    Funny Quotes
  • "The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
    By: ^Steven Wright
    Funny Quotes
  • "How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?"
    By: ^Steven Wright
    Funny Quotes
  • "There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
    By: ^Steven Wright
    Funny Quotes
  • "Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."
    By: ^Steven Wright
    Funny Quotes
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  • "Now what sort of man or woman or monster would stroke a centipede I have ever seen? ''And here is my good big centipede!'' If such a man exists, I say kill him without more ado. He is a traitor to the human race."
    By: William S. Burroughs
    Women Quotes
  • "Admittedly, a homosexual can be conditioned to react sexually to a woman, or to an old boot for that matter. In fact, both homo - and heterosexual experimental subjects have been conditioned to react sexually to an old boot, and you can save a lot of money that way."
    By: William S. Burroughs
    Women Quotes
  • "A woman who looks like a girl and thinks like a man is the best sort, the most enjoyable to be and the most pleasurable to have and to hold."
    By: Julie Burchill
    Women Quotes
  • "Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each."
    By: Plato Greek philosopher (427 BC - 347 BC)
    Child Quotes
  • "At great periods you have always felt, deep within you, the temptation to commit suicide. You gave yourself to it, breached your own defenses. You were a child. The idea of suicide was a protest against life; by dying, you would escape this longing for death."
    By: Cesare Pavese
    Child Quotes
  • "It was no great tragedy being Judy Garland's daughter. I had tremendously interesting childhood years - except they had little to do with being a child."
    By: Liza Minnelli
    Child Quotes
  • "A child is beset with long traditions. And his infancy is so old, so old, that the mere adding of years in the life to follow will not seem to throw it further back - it is already so far."
    By: Alice Meynell
    Child Quotes
  • "Giving a camera to Diane Arbus is like putting a live grenade in the hands of a child."
    By: Norman Mailer
    Child Quotes

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