Funny Quotes

"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."
By: ^Steven Wright
Funny Quotes
"I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, The whole time."
By: ^Steven Wright
Funny Quotes
"My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know? I said, No. She said, Okay, then forget it."
By: ^Steven Wright
Funny Quotes
"I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing."
By: ^Steven Wright
Funny Quotes
"I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter."
By: ^Steven Wright
Funny Quotes
"My school colors were clear."
By: ^Steven Wright
Funny Quotes
"The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink cow milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!? - Bill Watterson"
By: ^‘Calvin & Hobbes’
Funny Quotes
"I am a deeply superficial person."
By: ^ Andy Warhol
Funny Quotes
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."
By: ^Tom Waits
Funny Quotes
"Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life."
By: ^Tom Waits
Funny Quotes
"Suppose you were an idiot....And suppose you were a member of Congress....But I repeat myself."
By: ^Mark Twain
Funny Quotes
"In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."
By: ^Edward P. Tryon
Funny Quotes
"After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, No hablo ingles."
By: ^ Ronnie Shakes
Funny Quotes
"One more drink and I'd be under the host."
By: ^Dorothy Parker
Funny Quotes
"The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words."
By: ^National Review
Funny Quotes
"Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine."
By: ^David Moulton
Funny Quotes

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"Now what sort of man or woman or monster would stroke a centipede I have ever seen? ''And here is my good big centipede!'' If such a man exists, I say kill him without more ado. He is a traitor to the human race."
By: William S. Burroughs
Women Quotes

"Admittedly, a homosexual can be conditioned to react sexually to a woman, or to an old boot for that matter. In fact, both homo - and heterosexual experimental subjects have been conditioned to react sexually to an old boot, and you can save a lot of money that way."
By: William S. Burroughs
Women Quotes

"A woman who looks like a girl and thinks like a man is the best sort, the most enjoyable to be and the most pleasurable to have and to hold."
By: Julie Burchill
Women Quotes

"Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each."
By: Plato Greek philosopher (427 BC - 347 BC)
Child Quotes

"At great periods you have always felt, deep within you, the temptation to commit suicide. You gave yourself to it, breached your own defenses. You were a child. The idea of suicide was a protest against life; by dying, you would escape this longing for death."
By: Cesare Pavese
Child Quotes

"It was no great tragedy being Judy Garland's daughter. I had tremendously interesting childhood years - except they had little to do with being a child."
By: Liza Minnelli
Child Quotes

"A child is beset with long traditions. And his infancy is so old, so old, that the mere adding of years in the life to follow will not seem to throw it further back - it is already so far."
By: Alice Meynell
Child Quotes

"Giving a camera to Diane Arbus is like putting a live grenade in the hands of a child."
By: Norman Mailer
Child Quotes

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