Funny Quotes

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Metallurgy: the study of how to keep people from being allergic to metals.

Does a kangaroo get irritated when its baby eats his crackers in bed?

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

You have to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going because you might not get there.

Build a man a fire and he’s warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life.

After winning the Best Supporting Actor Oscar in 1993: My thanks to the Academy for the very finest, greatest award that any actor can ever receive. The only thing a man can say at a time like this is -- I am not really bald.

Two heads are better than one. Unless they’re on the same body.

I’m lost but I’m making good time.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.

I must be wishing on someone else’s star because it seems someone else is always getting what I wished for.

I say that if Lincoln were alive today, he would turn over in his grave.

Once I was young and had so much more orientation and could talk with nervous intelligence about everything and with clarity and without as much literary preambling as this.

It is not enough that I succeed. Others must fail.

Outside of a dog a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.