Funny Quotes

Outside of a dog a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like an orange.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It’s too crowded.

It’s a beautiful day. I feel sorry for all the people who died early this morning; they missed the whole day.

To err is human; to pass air is also human.

After Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe divorced: It proves no man can be a success in two national pastimes.

If you don’t find it in the Index, look very carefully throughout the entire catalogue.

My mother said to me, “If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope.” Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

People that live in glass houses should dress in the basement.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations.

It’s not the winning that counts, nor the taking part; it’s making fun of the little fat kid who always comes in last.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I’ll waste no time reading it.

If you go back in time, don’t step on anything.