Funny Quotes

"I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast."
By: ^W.C. Fields
Funny Quotes
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Quotes
"When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!"
By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Quotes
"I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Quotes
"I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get."
By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Quotes
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Quotes
"On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."
By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Quotes
"When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could....but he pulled through."
By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Quotes
"My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as a friend."
By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Quotes
"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."
By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Quotes
"And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with."
By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Quotes
"If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all."
By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Quotes
"A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home."
By: ^Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Quotes
"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them."
By: ^William Clayton
Funny Quotes
"I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."
By: ^Edward Chilton
Funny Quotes
"There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -"
By: ^Dick Cavett
Funny Quotes

Recently Added

"Now what sort of man or woman or monster would stroke a centipede I have ever seen? ''And here is my good big centipede!'' If such a man exists, I say kill him without more ado. He is a traitor to the human race."
By: William S. Burroughs
Women Quotes

"Admittedly, a homosexual can be conditioned to react sexually to a woman, or to an old boot for that matter. In fact, both homo - and heterosexual experimental subjects have been conditioned to react sexually to an old boot, and you can save a lot of money that way."
By: William S. Burroughs
Women Quotes

"A woman who looks like a girl and thinks like a man is the best sort, the most enjoyable to be and the most pleasurable to have and to hold."
By: Julie Burchill
Women Quotes

"Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each."
By: Plato Greek philosopher (427 BC - 347 BC)
Child Quotes

"At great periods you have always felt, deep within you, the temptation to commit suicide. You gave yourself to it, breached your own defenses. You were a child. The idea of suicide was a protest against life; by dying, you would escape this longing for death."
By: Cesare Pavese
Child Quotes

"It was no great tragedy being Judy Garland's daughter. I had tremendously interesting childhood years - except they had little to do with being a child."
By: Liza Minnelli
Child Quotes

"A child is beset with long traditions. And his infancy is so old, so old, that the mere adding of years in the life to follow will not seem to throw it further back - it is already so far."
By: Alice Meynell
Child Quotes

"Giving a camera to Diane Arbus is like putting a live grenade in the hands of a child."
By: Norman Mailer
Child Quotes

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