Time Quotes

• "Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "There should be a detective show called 'Johnny Monkey,' because every week you could have a guy say 'I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY,' but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing.' This is truth, to me."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, 'Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you.' So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, 'Hey, old buddy, how's it going?'"
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.'"
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!"
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!"
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "Men give me credit for some genius. All the genius I have lies in this; when I have a subject in hand, I study it profoundly. Day and night it is before me. My mind becomes pervaded with it. Then the effort that I have made is what people are pleased to call the fruit of genius. It is the fruit of labor and thought."
  By: Alexander Hamilton
  Time Quotes
• "In my day, we didn't have self-esteem, we had self-respect, and no more of it than we had earned."
  By: Jane Haddam
  Time Quotes
• "It matters not what goal you seek Its secret here reposes: You've got to dig from week to week To get Results or Roses."
  By: Edgar Albert Guest
  Time Quotes
• "The best inheritance a parent can give to his children is a few minutes of their time each day."
  By: M. Grundler
  Time Quotes
• "Last Monday a string of amendments were presented to the lower House; these altogether respect personal liberty..."
  By: Senator William Grayson
  Time Quotes