Time Quotes

• "The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, 'What am I doing?!'"
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "There should be a detective show called 'Johnny Monkey,' because every week you could have a guy say 'I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY,' but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing.' This is truth, to me."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, 'Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you.' So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, 'Hey, old buddy, how's it going?'"
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.'"
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!"
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!"
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes
• "If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you."
  By: Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]
  Time Quotes